ESL Jokes: Part One

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. 

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" 

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." 

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." 

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" 

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." 

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" 

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.

"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.

A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?
B: Yes, of course.
A: Great! I never could before!

Why couldn't Cinderella be a good soccer player? 

She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin. 

(Requires basic knowledge of the Cinderella story and that both ball and coach have double meanings.)

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I". 
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

Teacher: How can we get some clean water?
Student: Bring the water from the river and wash it.

Q. What do you call a ginger bread man with one leg? 
A. Limp Bizkit. (limp biscuit) 
(Alternate: What do the British call a cookie that got wet?)

A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket." 
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?" 
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"

This is a good one to follow the following previously submitted joke.

A: What do you call a deer with no eyes? 
B: No idea. (No Eye Deer.)

A: What do you call a dead deer with no eyes? 
B: Still no idea.

A: Meet my new born brother.
B: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name?
A: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says

Q: When does the (English) alphabet have only 25 letters? 
A: At Christmas time, because it is the time of Noel. (No L)

Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter? 
A: An envelope.

Q: If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become? 
A: Wet.

Q: What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? 
A: A stick.

Q: Where do you find giant snails? 
A: On the ends of their fingers. 
(Giants' nails.)

Q: What travels around the world and stays in a corner? 
A: A stamp.

Q: What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean? 
A: A blackboard.

Here is a good riddle to demonstrate the battle-between-the-sexes kind of jokes. 

Q: Why did God create the man before he created the woman? 
A1: The answer that men give: To give him the chance to enjoy Heaven on Earth for a few moments. 
A2: The answer that women give: Everyone makes a draft first!